SLUMP.

* The figure heels and the heels of the socks sticking out crack me up in this picture - but it's motivational so what the hell*

A week long slump.

Yes you heard it right.

I spent a whole week out of the gym - and I never want to do it again. Ever. Sometimes I let everyday situations get the best of me and forget how good lifting feels - how good it makes me feel.

It all started with - you guessed it : STRESS

and it spiraled out of control.

I ate whatever was around,

I just didn't care!

And then it hit me yesterday that

the whole wanting to compete

wanting to get on stage

put me over the edge.

I was mad at myself

but I knew that it would do no good

to punish myself and feel guilty

the only thing to remedy it

was to just jump back in.

So, with no workout planned out

I walked on over to the gym

and TRASHED myself for an hour.

IT FELT AMAZING.

Then walking back from the shower I thought

"pictures"

so I took some - and THANKFULLY

I haven't done any damage that I can tell.

My back is looking GREAT

seriously, the best I have seen it ever.

I did a back double biceps pose for fun...

I was shocked.

and that was all it took!

So today I'm back at it.

Eating healthy,

and making time for fitness.

Nothing feels better than that,

not even moping around.

*I think everyone would mope around if they spent more than 12 hours a day with the same people for 4 months, and saw their fiance for 5 minutes a day and could only talk to them via e-mail :o( Only 2 or so more weeks in Iraq!

New Workout, New Outlook & A New Year.

I tried to sit down earlier today and just let it all out - but it just wasn't happening. My mind just wasn't right. The mornings are the hardest - each and every day that I don't wake up in my bed next to my fiance is another day that gets off on the wrong foot. I'm not going to lie - we have it really easy right now, but on an emotional level - this is no where near easy. Deployments never are.

After a kick - booty new workout I felt 100% better and all my thoughts aligned.

- New Workout -

At about a month left, I found a new workout. You would never guess - but I found this amazing circuit style workout in this months issue of Muscle & Fitness Hers. It's the best magazine workout I think I have ever seen. It's 3 different workouts, circuit style with olympic lifts - right up my ally. I did "Dumbell Destruction" today - along with some added shoulder work (they're so so sore already!) and was simply BLOWN AWAY at how it kicked my butt all 30 minutes. I sugest everyone check it out - if you don't have a set workout plan, give it a try and post a comment on what you think!

I'll be doing this 3x a week - along with a bunch of Crazy Cardo (thanks to my Bombshell Coach) and TMill Incline walking - and mostlikely some added specialty work like PULLUPS (more on that later!), shoulders, butt and back.

On PULLUPS: why is the simplest exercise the hardest one for me to wrap my head around? I cannot cordinate lifting with my back and arms at the same time. I pull myself up with my Lats, then I cant get my elbows to bend. I KNOW I'm strong enough but I am STRUGGLING HARD! I keep thinking it's a mental block - well, no - I know it's something in my head. It's all in my head. I CAN do it - there's just some malfunction in this gord of mine.
Again, if anyone has suggestions please comment! I am frustrated to no end - I'm practicing them right now with my foot on something for a little boost, but I am telling ya' before I leave this place I am going to do atleast ONE UNASSISTED PULLUP!!!

- New Outlook -

It dawned on me yesterday in the shower - of all places - that I really do know what I'm doing and I know what's holding me back. I am holding myself back. I spend all my time planning, and then something doesn't go as "PLANNED" and I have complete mental breakdowns. My progress stalls, and I get all upset. I am not in the best place to be dealing with all this mental mess - but the one thing I wanted to conquer was my thinking...

Why I do things the way I do....

It came to me that I need to STOP planning and just ACT. I am making unconcious decisions because when each little detail is planned out - my practice on decision making stops. If I have a laid out plan - something happens - and because of the planning, I don't know how to

ADAPT.

STOP

ADAPT

ACT

Those are the 3 key words, and if I do things in that order - I will be perfectly fine. I need to STOP and think about what I'm going to do before I do it - make a concious decision to eat right and train. I need to ADAPT in order to be concious, in order to avoid eating something I shouldn't and to train every day. I need to ACT and do something about it if the train goes off the tracks.

For example - today was total SNOOOZE SABOTAGE! If I hit my snooze button twice, my alarm doesn't go off. Guess who hit their snooze button? Yeah - snooze is the worst thing ever. From here on out I am going to aviod SNOOZING. I am going to make a concious effort to get out of bed, instead of staying in for another 10 minutes.

I didn't get my workout or 30 minutes of cardio - I thought about throwing in the towel until I told myself to just adapt to my circumstances. So, I grabbed my workout clothes - threw them in my little gym bag and brought it to work. I adapted. :o)

- A New Year -

Escape from Obesity - Self Exam Time

First - read this post.

I found this blog while bouncing around to and from a few that I follow. I have read it all day - but this was the first post that I saw that almost brought tears to my eyes because it hit something in me.

The fact that the whole year has gone by - and my goals are still there - but my progress has been little to none. That's where the whole concious decision making has come into play. You have to chose whether you are going to move closer to your goal or stay at a stand still.

I wrote those questions in my journal, and am working on answering them as the new year approaches.

Every day I'm writing out what I want to accomplish - and doing one for the week. Then doing a review. I started today and it feels so good - just to write it out - to see it on paper - to make it real. So cheers to the new year. No more of the new years resolution crap - each and every day is a new day to get closer to my goals!

Good Reads & Video's Worth Checking Out

1. Cynthia "The Visionquester" Herndon's Blog - If you are a part of the fitness community, and aren't aware of her blog - now's the time to check it out. She's an IFBB Figure Pro - with a lot of advice and wisdom - on her way to the Olympia stage. Her previous blogs Visionquest I, and Visionquest II are two of my biggest motivational tools.

2. Leigh Peele and her new website - her recent Random Thoughts post was quite a gut buster.

3. Kai Greene: Mind over Matter - even if you don't fancy bodybuilding, you will enjoy this video. I promise.

4. The Latin Assasin with Isabel Norton Largo - a cute bodybuilding.com series on a NANBF figure competitor and her pre-contest prep.

Fascinated Self Discovery

Ever since I read an article on Kai Greene in MD Magazine - I have been, simply stated : fascinated with him.

In the article there are a few things that really stood out to me :

"Kai rarely speaks. He listens to motivational tapes all day, writing in a journal when he isn't eating, sleeping or working out. His intensity and focus is almost frightening, yet he projects and aura of calm so that I feel very relaxed when I am in his presence."

* MUSCULAR DEVELOPMENT MAGAZINE - DECEMBER 2009 *

It's also written in this article that he is so depleted, that his muscles literally "give out" and stop responding when he's training but HE STILL puts up the weight, he STILL gives it all he's got.

This is what kills me...

Can any of us honestly say that we have given our ALL - that we are in a constant state of consciousness when it comes to our daily lives. Are you in autopilot or do you really, actively think about what you're doing and their consequences?

Kai Greene inspires me,
Kai Greene is where I want to be mentally.
It's all I've been thinking about...

And it's not enough to think about something
and admire someone.
You have to live it.
Eat, sleep and breathe your goals..
Enjoy every moment of the struggle,
even when you fall of the wagon.

I don't know anyone who works that hard - who can mentally put the fact that their muscles are giving out, out of their mind. Someone who can work past the pain, because they know that their only limitations are in their MIND. They aren't real - it's all how you percieve it. Everything in life is that way.

If you watched the video, you see his trainer Oscar talk about doing things because they're "on your schedule" - I personally know that this is beneficial for myself to get back in the groove but I strongly agree with the idea of going with the flow, listening to your body and doing what's right for you.

Here comes the stipulation.

Doing what's right for you - doesn't necessarilly mean taking a day off because you're tired, or because you screwed up. Doing what's right for you means continuing to work towards your goals, even when you're tired but really listening to your body and it's responses to your daily movements that tell you that you need a break. For example, if you can barely move from a leg workout - and it's going to be leg day - you need a break! Do some cardio, keep active - don't just throw the day away.

I am so guilty of this, and I know alot of you are as well.

I'm beginning to find that place in my mind, and quiet the self limiting thoughts that run through my head. In Iraq, it's not easy because each and every day there are demons to battle - I spend A LOT of time IN MY HEAD. Mediation and journaling are the few things that get me past the road blocks, and help me to see that I can do anything as long as I break down those walls.

Another thing I'm seeing is that I really WANT THIS - not for any other reason that for myself. Not because people think I won't and can't do it, not because I want to get in amazing shape, not for a trophy, the status or opportunities it will bring
(although they are perks) but for the journey to self discovery.

I embarked on this journey because I KNEW this would be the HARDEST and most CHALLENGING goal yet. I made it though all of my air force training with ease, so now what? I found my calling, and now that everything is falling into place for me mentally - I truly believe everything else will follow.

Never force yourself into something that you don't truly want - if it's a chore, and you're not excited about the journey, and the action you have to take to get there - chances are, it's not for you. Really listen to yourself, learn about yourself and I promise it will all fall into place.

Kai Greene

Seriously, watch this - he is the total package.


Kai Greene - Mind over Matter

Accepting Lessons

The past couple of days have been rough for me.
I'm exhausted - mentally, physically and emotionally.
My exhaustion is causing complacency...
and complacency is not my cup of tea.

The work I've had during this deployment has been nothing that's too difficult. We finally fixed a problem we have been having for a while - and it came back, or atleast I thought it did. Instead of taking time to effectively troubleshoot - my only goal was to stop working, and go back inside and relax.

As much as I had identified the problem, I didn't do enough - it was quick, and rushed and innefective.

I was checked out - mentally.

It came back to bite me. As good as I am at my job, I think we all have moments where we go "what the hell was I thinking?".

This is not who I am. This is not who I want to be.

I know I have a mild case of depression, and it happens during every deployment - I have accepted that, but as a leader I have done wrong by my superiors and subordinates by nonchalantly "letting things slide" - for the simple fact that I don't want to be here anymore.

So, I was walking to the bathroom after I started thinking that I really needed to shake this funk off and thought...

The universe is telling me something - that I need to snap out of it - that it's not like me to be doing the things I'm doing - a few days ago I was pumped, and now I'm all mopey because of one mistake. Well, guess what : mistakes happen! They are life's way of keeping you in check.

I am accepting this mistake as a lesson learned.

Thank you Universe
for looking out,
and teaching me
when I refuse to learn
for reminding me
that I am not the only person
who has ever made a
minor mistake
for showing me
that I am human
for kicking my ass
when I'm down
then helping me back up.

Change of Scenery

Okay, so I WAS hosting this blog on another domain
but I am back home now!

So follow me,
@ Permanent Ambition...

and enjoy the journey.
I know I will.

:]